Jokes

Jokes

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A Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" Vickie responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Some Things Never Change

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

11 o抍lock Murder Hospital

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A. M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A. M. on Sundays. So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

A Depressed Dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Dress of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

Email from the God

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

I didn't get one either.

Easter Funnies

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "

Bruise

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."

Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

Eye Contact

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Lecture

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

Let抯 Just Be Friends Virus

A Co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

Make up Your Mind

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth."

The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

Meaning of Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Missing Legs

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"

Never Say No

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

Prayer in the Cab

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I driving?"

Rush Course for Russian

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Super Bowl

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house.

He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling like shit said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"

Hand Signal

Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn't. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.

When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. "C'mon, lady, make up your mind," our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingernails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.

FBI Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's a liar."

Error-free

It was considered a great step forward in civil aviation when the first fully automated flight was ready for its maiden transcontinental journey. Bigwigs of every sort were shown to their seats and served a champagne cocktails by hostesses, while hundreds of airline employees waved from the runway. Suddenly, the engine snapped on and the plane made a perfect takeoff into the cloudless sky.

A silky, mechanical voice came over the speakers. "Welcome aboard this historical flight, ladies and gentlemen, and simply press the call button if you would like more champagne to be served by one of our robot attendants. Even those of you who may have been anxious about flying in the past can now relax in the knowledge that this flight is free from the possibility of human error. Every aspect -- altitude, air pressure, course setting, weather conditions -- is continuously monitored by state-of-the-art computer circuitry, so virtually nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong,...

Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Woozie

Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send messages by what they quaintly called a telegram. Charges were by the word, regardless of the length of the word.

An infatuated young man was sending a mushy love note to his girlfriend. The message read: "Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie"

"You can have up to 9 words for the same rate", said the Western Union telegraph operator.

"Why not add another "Woozie" it won't cost you any more."

"No, thanks," replied the young man.

"I think that would sound rather silly."

Wrong Decision

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

Wrong Train

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

Hide and Seek

A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"

The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper "He can't come to the phone."

The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."

The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he whispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either."

Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.

The boy whispered "They're looking for me."

Weight Losing

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqu?picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Talking Frog

Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log.

Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.

The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"

Rush Service

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!

Do You Know Who You Are Dealing With?

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your love life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." , then sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of love life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

They are down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up all of your love life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." and makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no love life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."